Blindside

[Phoenix]

Not entirely sure where this one's headed, just kind of needed to start writing something.
Longer posts in future, hopefully.
Feedback needed 

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"Beauty does not come from appearances, but is defined and measured by your heart and your choices."

[contents]
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[Phoenix]

   Lately I’ve been thinking more, about subjects and ideas that I shouldn’t. My head is filled with so many emotions, that often I find it hard to pinpoint which one I’m feeling-and my wardrobe is gradually consisting more of clothes that I feel comfortable in rather than pretty.
   The dresses are becoming gradually buried by trousers and t-shirts, as I try to replicate trying to fade them from my past just like what happened. And, even though it’s Summer, I doubt they’ll resurface anytime soon.

   In my head I’m going over and over the events that led up to it all, trying to piece it altogether and work out what went wrong. As I do, I can feel the level of frustration building, as the events begin to show the toll. I’m beginning to shake more, and lose the small amount of concentration that I had managed to hold onto before now.
   The stress has been creeping up upon me for a little while now, not that I really let onto how much it was doing so, but now I’m afraid. The sense of normality inside my head was wavering thin already, and that was before the ugly monster reared into existence.

   On the outside, my appearance has dwindled down to a shallow reflection of what I used to be. I don’t even recognise my reflection in the mirror any more.
   I even tried to hide the flaws that slowly started appearing, with make-up-which I ultimately stopped bothering with in the end. And so, little by little, my inner broken self started to appear.
   In the end I just watched day by day, as my features changed into someone I never thought I would become.
   In my bathroom mirror, I watched as the light in my eyes gradually faded, pleading for a spark or a glimmer of hope that I doubted I would ever get. As the days wore on, I secluded myself more and more, as I tried to figure out what was going on inside my head.
   All I knew, was that my beautiful and courageous side, was being gradually being transformed into the complete opposite.

[Phoenix]

I wasn't always afraid of my mind, but lately the darkness has grown. The confusion, the voices- have all extended in my thoughts. Now I'm wondering if I have anywhere left to breathe because of it.
It feels like so long ago now, when I can remember feeling like myself. Instead I am trying to work this all out on my own, knowing that it will take a long time for me to do so.

Why am I so scared? Do you really want to know?
For so long i have tried piecing together my emotions, trying to understand where I was. For so long I was in denial, trying to make sense of the world around me without giving in to things I couldn't understand.
Now, so many years later, I am finally starting to realise that it was all in vain.

Inside my head it feels as if a war has broken out, and each idea and brief hope of salvation that falls reminds me that it will be hard to reach a conclusion no matter which way it ends.

I've become what I feared I would be; a monster.
A pessimistic, paranoid being who now looks over her shoulder every step of the way.
I feel hated, and persecuted; victimised and pitied- but most of all confused. This wasn't where I saw myself as a child; alone and lonely. Not that it matters now of course, nobody will want to get to know me any more. I've hidden my emotions so deep, it's now impossible to see the beauty within the beast.

[Elsza]

This is a really interesting look into the psychology of a character. I like the way her outer appearance changes to reflect her mental state in the first section. I'm interested to learn more about this character and why she feels the way she does.

[Phoenix]

Off-Topic: show

A short one. Enjoy.

   The panic is spreading, through to my heart and lungs. It's becoming harder to breathe-to think clearly, and to stand. I'm becoming weaker as I feel my mind and thoughts turn from their protection, to the unnerving silence inside my head.
I don't know where this has all come from, but as the fear starts to spread through my arms, my legs-and everywhere else, I find it hard to keep still.
   I'm changing, becoming someone I never thought I could be.

   I wonder around my home effortlessly, gliding between the rooms as I barely pay attention to my surroundings:
   -The cold air flowing through my personal prison, allowing me to breathe fresh air every day.
   -The feel of the deep soft carpet, and the cold tiles in my bathroom and kitchen.
   -The smell of all the herbs growing in the hallway; basil, thyme, rosemary and parsley. All wilting as they slowly dry in the faint sunlight.
   Now, as I pass each one in turn, I acknowledge their presence but continue on.

   Each hallway, room and open doorway remind me of my past. Memories where I could be myself and not fear my surroundings, but now I'm not sure where my future is trying to lead me.

[Phoenix]

   I’m trying to be brave, to push past all the boundaries that have held me captive for so long. To acknowledge that I can’t continue with the same battle of self-hatred that I’ve been losing any longer.
   I know-I know I need to fight. To learn from my mistakes, my past and insecurities and move on but it’s hard when everyone is telling you that nothing is wrong when you know there is.
   This ever growing drowning feeling is suffocating, and I can’t see how only I can see that it’s damaging my abilities to do what I was doing before.

   Sighing, I close my eyes and try to strategise my next move. How do I escape from this hell? To the place where I’m happy again, and where I’m not second guessing every move that I make. This war inside my mind has been going on for so long now, and I’m not sure how to end it.

   As my eyes open once more, into the bright sunlight that’s streaming through the windows, I slowly look at my reflection in the mirror. The empty, light hallway is a complete contrast to how I’m feeling right now-and know it will only get worse.
   All I can see are scars covering my body like a blanket of bad memories. Traces of events that happened, hurtful words that were spoken and ghosts of people who said them. Each mark is a reminder, one that will now no longer disappear from my mind.

[Saint]

This is coming along nicely.  The vagueness really lets our minds do the work, and whats there is very well described.