Author Topic: ~Foundation: Introduction~  (Read 1616 times)

Description: The beginning of 'PC'

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Phoenix

~Foundation: Introduction~
« on: August 08, 2016, 02:26:22 AM »
Off-Topic: show
I probably shouldn't be doing this, but what the heck.

I started this years ago, with the intent of finishing it and adding in loads of important information that basically told the story of 34 friends. I found the original prologue a few weeks back, as I was going a little nuts. I just grabbed a pen and notepad and started writing again. Youtube definitely helped.
After reading the original I knew I had to do something. The idea for this story has been literally in my head for years and in my eyes it didn't do what I had in my head justice.
This story is powerful, and I found myself re-writing it. It may turn out to be a curse but we'll have to wait and see.



School is challenging even at the best of times, but when drastic events happen during your last year, sometimes the only comfort is knowing that your friends are beside you going through the same thing.



Contents

:Chapter one: You can't cheat death.
:Chapter two: Unwelcome news.
:Chapter three: Spreading the heartbreak.
:Chapter four: Battling authority.
:Chapter five: An uncertain future.
:Chapter six: A temporary beginning.
:Chapter seven: Supportive connections.



Work in progress.


:Chapter eight: Remembrance.



Planned chapter titles, links to be added when chapters are complete.


:Chapter nine: Saying goodbye.
:Chapter ten: A new home.
:Chapter eleven: Hoping for change.
:Chapter twelve: Personal nightmares.
:Chapter thirteen: Outside discussions.
:Chapter fourteen: Seeking answers.
:Chapter fifteen: A new trend.

There are 34 (thirty four) planned chapters, with titles. Only the first 15 (fifteen) are listed here for now.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2019, 12:11:26 PM by Phoenix »


 

Offline Phoenix

Prologue: You can't cheat death ->UNFINISHED!<
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2016, 10:30:49 AM »
   The weather had been gradually getting worse as the hours passed, and had turned the small streams and rivers nearby into deadly and unforgiving ones that roared with anger. They looked as if they could easily lure someone into getting hurt, and had long since burst their banks leaving the water level to grow increasingly higher. The endless rain had caused this to happen, and had already managed to overflow the drains in the roads.
   The deadliest part though, was the combination of the fierce wind and unrelenting lightning. Many lines had already been knocked over or damaged by falling trees which left many without power or the ability to call anyone.
   News and weather reports during the day had advised people to stay in their homes because of the many dangers, and had mentioned that many roads were blocked.
   Regardless of this, several people were determined to get where they needed to be. Some had been out before the storm deteriorated and hadn’t realised how bad it would get, others just wanted to check on family to make sure they were safe.
   One family; mother, father and one of their sons summed up their risky journey on the road under both categories. Justin was driving carefully through the rain, trying to hide his nervousness through a thin mask which he was afraid would break and reveal how unsure he really was.
   He kept his emotions close to his chest, which meant he rarely showed how unnerved or happy he really was, and he didn’t want this to be one of those times.
   His wife, Leia, was the complete opposite. She glanced nervously over at Justin then at Gregg, her son, before taking a deep breath. Her long, soft brown hair was tied neatly in a ponytail which she ran her fingers through. She knew that it was only a matter of time before they were home, so she decided to break the uneasy silence by talking to them both about something else that had been on her mind.
   “Me and your father are a little worried about you Gregg,” she said as she tried to raise her voice a little. The rain was pounding on the car, meaning she had to speak a little louder than usual.
   “Why?” Gregg asked curiously.
   Leia thought for a moment before replying, she didn’t want to mention that Andi, Gregg’s non-identical twin, had gone against his brothers wishes.
  He was adamant that he didn’t want Gregg to know he had said anything, which worried her more than she wanted to let on. How long had Andi known there was a problem? And how had she not picked up on it until it was brought up?
  “We know you haven’t been sleeping very well at the moment,” Leia said thoughtfully. She was trying to divert the topic away from how she found out, but she somehow knew that Gregg had realised. It was only a matter of time before he mentioned it.
  Gregg sighed gently and took a sip of water out of the bottle beside him, there it was. The little secret he had tried to keep to himself, out in the open.

-

   Leia shifted uncomfortably in the passenger seat, watching the windscreen wipers as they tried to push the rain away. Every ounce in her body was urging her to break the awkward pause that had occurred with a different topic but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Instead she just simply waited, listening to the huge amount of rain pounding on their small metal car.
   The silence continued for another few minutes before Gregg finally spoke once more, although it was clear that he was still uncomfortable doing so.
   “So what do you want to know?” he asked.
   Leia gently smiled with relief for a brief second, then turned around to face him so that he could hear her a little better.
   “How long have you had a problem sleeping?”
   “A while,” Gregg paused to think for a moment. He then continued, knowing that if he didn’t mention the small details that she would just end up asking for them anyway. “I started having problems around the beginning of June but I put it down to being stressed at school.”
   “June!” Leia exclaimed. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
   “Because it wasn’t a big deal,” Gregg replied nervously. “I thought I could get more sleep over the holidays but it’s just been getting gradually worse.”
   “If you had told us we could have taken you to see a doctor, he could have given you some sleeping pills to take or something. What are we supposed to do now?”
   “I don’t know,” Gregg replied sadly. He hung his head in the dark, feeling the weight of his secret growing heavier on his shoulders as he did so.
   He hated being the one that asked for help, preffering to sort little problems out by himself so that others wouldn’t have too. Lately he was struggling though, and he was realising this more and more as the days went by.





Off-Topic: show
Yes, there are minor tweaks that I need to make, like how I've introduced everyone. For now I'm just happy that I'm writing again.
I'd really appreciate feedback on this so far as I haven't properly written in a while.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2017, 12:52:19 AM by Phoenix »
 

Offline NicTei

Re: Prologue: You can't cheat death ->UNFINISHED!<
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2016, 11:11:53 AM »
   The weather had been gradually getting worse as the hours passed, and had turned the small streams and rivers nearby into deadly and unforgiving ones that roared with anger. They looked as if they could easily lure someone into getting hurt, and had long since burst their banks leaving the water level to grow increasingly higher. The endless rain had caused this to happen, and had already managed to overflow the drains in the roads.

Here, I'd shift the comma from after 'hurt' to after 'banks.'  Just personal preference, of course, so if you trust current placement, go with it.

   The deadliest part though, was the combination of the fierce wind and unrelenting lightning. Many lines had already been knocked over or damaged by falling trees which left many without power or the ability to call anyone.
   News and weather reports during the day had advised people to stay in their homes because of the many dangers, and had mentioned that many roads were blocked.

These two paragraphs could stand to be merge, and the same could be said for a great deal of the rest of the piece.  Having larger four- to five-sentence paragraphs rather than shorter one- to two-sentence paragraphs is better for reading comprehension and generally more appealing aesthetically.  As for posting on a forum, double-spacing between paragraphs to break up the text is easier on the eyes as well.

   Regardless of this, several people were determined to get where they needed to be. Some had been out before the storm deteriorated and hadn’t realised how bad it would get, others just wanted to check on family to make sure they were safe.
   One family; mother, father and one of their sons summed up their risky journey on the road under both categories.

Again, these two I would merge and make the sentence starting with 'Justin' the beginning of the next paragraph.  Also, I think I get what you were trying to say, but I'm not sure 'deteriorated' is the best word here; it reads as though some had been out before the storm lessened or abated, when I think you were going for 'worsened.'

Justin was driving carefully through the rain, trying to hide his nervousness through a thin mask which he was afraid would break and reveal how unsure he really was.
   He kept his emotions close to his chest, which meant he rarely showed how unnerved or happy he really was, and he didn’t want this to be one of those times.

I'm not sure how I feel about the second sentence here--it's just coming out and telling us about Justin's personality, rather than showing.

   “Me and your father are a little worried about you Gregg,” she said as she tried to raise her voice a little. The rain was pounding on the car, meaning she had to speak a little louder than usual.

Here I'd say the second sentence is unnecessary; just modify the first sentence to something like 'she tried to raise her voice over the rain.'

   Leia thought for a moment before replying, she didn’t want to mention that Andi, Gregg’s non-identical twin, had gone against his brothers wishes.
  He was adamant that he didn’t want Gregg to know he had said anything, which worried her more than she wanted to let on. How long had Andi known there was a problem? And how had she not picked up on it until it was brought up?

This is a lot of information coming out of left field at once, and it's pretty jarring.  Bringing in and naming Andi so late in the piece after only vaguely mentioning that the family has more than one child feels odd.  I'd remedy this by giving at least a paragraph to each family member earlier on, both for physical description and to get some of the other information out there to start off with--bringing up that Gregg looks nothing like his twin, for example.

Gregg sighed gently and took a sip of water out of the bottle beside him. There it was. The little secret he had tried to keep to himself, out in the open.

Making 'There it was' its own sentence would give it a lot more impact here.

   Leia shifted uncomfortably in the passenger seat, watching the windscreen wipers as they tried to push the rain away. Every ounce in her body was urging her to break the awkward pause that had occurred with a different topic but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Instead she just simply waited, listening to the huge amount of rain pounding on their small metal car.

The last thing that really jumped out at me was the part in red.  It reads a little weird; I'm not sure 'ounce in' is the best wording--'ounce' may not be the best unit to use, for that matter.  I don't know what I would use as an alternative, so play around with it a little.

All in all, this could use a bit of tweaking, but the same could be said for every writer's work. :P  Looking forward to more, at any rate. :nod:

:pumpkin:
:pumpkin:


Me Am Robot     |     Night Terrors     |     Sailing the Seven Skies     |     The Old Gods     |     Vagabond
 
The following users thanked this post: New Overlord

Offline Phoenix

Re: ~Foundation: Introduction~
« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2017, 02:34:45 PM »
A lot of editing later, there is finally another update on this!

Offline Phoenix

Prologue: YCCD >Unfinished update<
« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2017, 02:35:38 PM »
   The weather had been gradually getting worse as the hours passed, and had turned the small streams and rivers nearby into deadly and unforgiving ones that roared with anger. They had long since burst their banks leaving the water level to grow increasingly higher. The endless rain had caused this to happen, and had already managed to overflow the drains in the roads.
   The deadliest part though, was the combination of the fierce wind and unrelenting lightning. Many lines had already been knocked over or damaged by falling trees which left many without power or the ability to call anyone. News and weather reports during the day had advised people to stay in their homes because of the many dangers, and had mentioned that many roads were blocked.

   Regardless, several people were determined to get where they needed to be. Some had been out before the storm worsened and hadn’t realised how bad it would get, others just wanted to check on family to make sure they were safe. One small family summed up their risky journey on the road under both categories.
   Justin was driving carefully through the rain, as he couldn’t see properly through the window. A mixture of condensation and rain meant that it was getting more and more dangerous to drive, but he was determined to try and get home none-the-less.
     Gregg, who was sitting in the backseat behind him, had been a little unsure of whether to travel in the car to begin with. Whilst he had been waiting for his parents to get ready, he had been watching the weather reports and knew that a storm would be approaching.
   His brilliant green eyes, just like his fathers, were mostly hidden under his light brown hair. He had tried to hide how uneasy he was feeling, especially as he didn’t want to hold them up further.
   His mother, Leia, had been able to tell however. And had wrapped her arms around him protectively, lightly placing a kiss on his cheek as she did so. When Gregg bit his lip gently and turned to look at her, she then spoke so that only he would be able to hear.
   “Andi will be waiting,” she had said softly, as she mentioned Gregg’s non-identical twin. “Try not to think about it too much, we’ll be home before you know it.”

   She glanced nervously over at Justin then at Gregg, before taking a deep breath. Her long, soft brown hair was tied neatly in a ponytail which she ran her fingers through. She knew that it was only a matter of time before they were home, so she decided to break the uneasy silence by talking to them both about something that had been on her mind.
   “Me and your father are a little worried about you Gregg,” she said as she tried to raise her voice over the rain.
   “Why?” Gregg asked curiously.
   Leia thought for a moment before replying, she didn’t want to mention that Andi, had gone against his brothers wishes.
  Andi had been adamant that he didn’t want Gregg to know he had said anything, which worried her more than she wanted to let on. How long had he known there was a problem? And how had she not picked up on it until it was brought up?
  “We know you haven’t been sleeping very well at the moment,” Leia said thoughtfully. She was trying to divert the topic away from how she found out, but she somehow knew that Gregg had realised. It was only a matter of time before he mentioned it.
  Gregg sighed gently and took a sip of water out of the bottle beside him. There it was, the little secret he had tried to keep to himself, out in the open.

-

   Leia shifted uncomfortably in the passenger seat, watching the windscreen wipers as they tried to push the rain away. She knew she had to break the awkward pause that had occurred with a different topic, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Instead she just simply waited, listening to the huge amount of rain pounding on their small metal car.
   The silence continued for another few minutes before Gregg finally spoke once more, although it was clear that he was still uncomfortable doing so.
   “So what do you want to know?” he asked.
   Leia gently smiled with relief for a brief second, then turned around to face him so that he could hear her a little better.
   “How long have you had a problem sleeping?”
   “A while,” Gregg paused to think for a moment. He then continued, knowing that if he didn’t mention the small details that she would just end up asking for them anyway. “I started having problems around the beginning of June but I put it down to being stressed at school.”
   “June!” Leia exclaimed. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
   “Because it wasn’t a big deal,” Gregg replied nervously. “I thought I could get more sleep over the holidays but it’s just been getting gradually worse.”
   “If you had told us we could have taken you to see a doctor, he could have given you some sleeping pills to take or something. What are we supposed to do now?”
   “I don’t know!” Gregg cried out desperately. He hung his head in the dark, feeling the weight of his secret growing heavier on his shoulders as he did so.

   He had always hated being the one that asked for help, preffering to sort little problems out by himself so that others wouldn’t have too. Lately he was struggling though, and he was realising this more and more as the days went by.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2017, 12:52:44 AM by Phoenix »
 
The following users thanked this post: New Overlord

Offline Phoenix

:Chapter one: You can't cheat death.
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2017, 09:04:04 PM »
   The weather had been gradually getting worse as the hours passed, and had turned the small streams and rivers nearby into deadly and unforgiving ones that roared with anger. They had long since burst their banks leaving the water level to grow increasingly higher. The endless rain had caused this to happen, and had already managed to overflow the drains in the roads.
   The deadliest part though, was the combination of the fierce wind and unrelenting lightning. Many lines had already been knocked over or damaged by falling trees which left many without power or the ability to call anyone. News and weather reports during the day had advised people to stay in their homes because of the many dangers, and had mentioned that many roads were blocked.

   Regardless, several people were determined to get where they needed to be. Some had been out before the storm worsened and hadn’t realised how bad it would get, others just wanted to check on family to make sure they were safe. One small family summed up their risky journey on the road under both categories.
   Justin was driving carefully through the rain, as he couldn’t see properly through the window. A mixture of condensation and rain meant that it was getting more and more dangerous to drive, but he was determined to try and get home none-the-less.
     Gregg, who was sitting in the backseat behind him, had been a little unsure of whether to travel in the car to begin with. Whilst he had been waiting for his parents to get ready, he had been watching the weather reports and knew that a storm would be approaching.
   His brilliant green eyes, just like his fathers, were mostly hidden under his light brown hair. He had tried to hide how uneasy he was feeling, especially as he didn’t want to hold them up further.
   His mother, Leia, had been able to tell however. And had wrapped her arms around him protectively, lightly placing a kiss on his cheek as she did so. When Gregg bit his lip gently and turned to look at her, she then spoke so that only he would be able to hear.
   “Andi will be waiting,” she had said softly, as she mentioned Gregg’s non-identical twin. “Try not to think about it too much, we’ll be home before you know it.”

   She glanced nervously over at Justin then at Gregg, before taking a deep breath. Her long, soft brown hair was tied neatly in a ponytail which she ran her fingers through. She knew that it was only a matter of time before they were home, so she decided to break the uneasy silence by talking to them both about something that had been on her mind.
   “Me and your father are a little worried about you Gregg,” she said as she tried to raise her voice over the rain.
   “Why?” Gregg asked curiously.
   Leia thought for a moment before replying, she didn’t want to mention that Andi, had gone against his brothers wishes.
  Andi had been adamant that he didn’t want Gregg to know he had said anything, which worried her more than she wanted to let on. How long had he known there was a problem? And how had she not picked up on it until it was brought up?
  “We know you haven’t been sleeping very well at the moment,” Leia said thoughtfully. She was trying to divert the topic away from how she found out, but she somehow knew that Gregg had realised. It was only a matter of time before he mentioned it.
  Gregg sighed gently and took a sip of water out of the bottle beside him. There it was, the little secret he had tried to keep to himself, out in the open.

-

   Leia shifted uncomfortably in the passenger seat, watching the windscreen wipers as they tried to push the rain away. She knew she had to break the awkward pause that had occurred with a different topic, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Instead she just simply waited, listening to the huge amount of rain pounding on their small metal car.
   The silence continued for another few minutes before Gregg finally spoke once more, although it was clear that he was still uncomfortable doing so.
   “So what do you want to know?” he asked.
   Leia gently smiled with relief for a brief second, then turned around to face him so that he could hear her a little better.
   “How long have you had a problem sleeping?”
   “A while,” Gregg paused to think for a moment. He then continued, knowing that if he didn’t mention the small details that she would just end up asking for them anyway. “I started having problems around the beginning of June but I put it down to being stressed at school.”
   “June!” Leia exclaimed. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
   “Because it wasn’t a big deal,” Gregg replied nervously. “I thought I could get more sleep over the holidays but it’s just been getting gradually worse.”
   “If you had told us we could have taken you to see a doctor, he could have given you some sleeping pills to take or something. What are we supposed to do now?”
   “I don’t know!” Gregg cried out desperately. He hung his head in the dark, feeling the weight of his secret growing heavier on his shoulders as he did so.

-

   He had always hated being the one that asked for help, preffering to sort little problems out by himself so that others wouldn’t have too. Lately he was struggling though, and he was realising this more and more as the days went by.
   “Gregg, please,” Justin began. “You may be uncomfortable talking about this, but we do need to.”
   “But why? Why now?” Gregg asked desperately.
   “Because we have been looking into places that may be able to help you, if you stay with them for a little while,” Leia said firmly. “Your father is right, this is something that we need to discuss.”
   Gregg didn’t know how to respond, so he instead folded his arms in front of his face as he tried to find a better way to hide his emotions.
   “Gregg, we love you,” Leia said calmly. “We wouldn’t send you away unless we thought we really needed too.”
   “I can sort this out though,” Gregg cried. “I can start sleeping better, but only at home. Please-just please don’t send me away.”
   Leia and Justin then looked at each other for a moment, just long enough to mutually agree with what their son was asking. Although they never said a word, they both understood that giving Gregg time was the best thing to do.
   To give her son a little comfort, Leia then lightly squeezed his arm and smiled gently when he looked at her.
   “Okay, we won’t send you away,” she smiled reassuringly.

-

   Gregg relaxed a little, but only for a few moments. The road they were on had become more perilous, and Justin was finding it hard to control the car. Taking a deep breath, he lowered his head once more into the comfort of his arms and tried to steady himself. Usually, he enjoyed the quiet periods when he travelled as it gave him an opportunity to think but today was different. Now he just wanted to escape it all; the loud pounding of the the rain, the awkwardness of the conversation that still lingered and the whole idea of being sent away.
   So many thoughts were running through his head, each one leaving trails of questions that he doubted would ever get answered.
   How had his parents found out about him barely sleeping? He had made sure to be so careful and not wake them. The only other person that had known before hand was Andi, and he had made him promise not to tell them. Would he really go against his brother’s wishes? And what places had his parents found?

   Sighing, he glanced up to see that his mother had turned around and was holding both of her arms in front of her face. Was she copying what he had been doing?
   He glanced at her face in the reflection of the mirror-no she wasn’t. Her eyes and mouth were wide open with terror, and she was staring straight ahead. This wasn’t right, something was seriously wrong.

   Gregg opened his mouth and tried to speak, but found that he couldn’t hear anything. The noise of the rain had stopped- and so had everything else. And even though it had only been a few moments before hand when he had wished to escape the confines of the car, he now regretted it. He found he needed to listen to it, at least to get some clarification as to what was going on.
   He felt the car lurch forward suddenly, and then swerve as Justin tried to avoid debris. The sudden movements shocked Gregg’s brain into finally registering what was going on, and he was able to hear once more.
   He heard his mother’s ear piercing scream. His father crying out, and the grating of the front of the car being crushed by the large tree blocking the road.

-

   Gregg opened his eyes slowly and carefully, feeling his whole body ache with a dull pain. The weather was unrelenting and angry, and he cried out. This storm, the same one he had warned his parents about, had caused this to happen.
   He gingerly unfolded his arms and un-clasped his seatbelt from the holder. It sprung back quickly, leaving him to wince a little with pain as it caught his hand.
   “Mum, dad are you okay?” he asked quietly.
   When they didn’t reply, he quickly looked up and cried out once more.
   “Mum, dad!”
   “Leia?” Justin croaked. “Leia, please say something-”
   “-Dad are you okay?” Gregg asked loudly. Then, bracing himself slightly, he moved so that he was leaning in between the two front seats.
   Reaching out, he touched his mothers arm and quickly let go. Her head was leaning on the window, and as Gregg had tried to see if she was okay, he had seen her blood starting to trickle down her face.
   “Gregg-you need to go and get some help,” Justin said with a quiver in his voice.
   “No, no-I’m not leaving you two here!”
   “Gregg, please- your mum needs help, she needs to go to the hospital. I need you to go.”
   Gregg managed to shift his position to speak to his father a little better, and saw that he was looking directly at him.
   “But-”
   “Gregg, just go. Please,” Justin asked firmly.

   Gregg nodded, realising as he pulled the car door open that he had been managing to hold back from crying. He clambered out of the car and stood up, feeling the small amount of layers that he was wearing getting more and more soaked. Within a few seconds though, the shock of what had just happened hit his body. He felt his legs give way, and painfully cried as he collapsed on the road.
   “Gregg!” Justin cried out. He had opened the car door just in time to see him falling to his knees, but knew that he couldn’t help him. Instead of trying to get out of the car, he tried to use the energy he had to make sure that his son was okay.
   “What just-” Gregg grumbled quietly. Groaning, he then stood up once more, and stumbled away to the nearest house he could see.

-

   There were many houses down the street, but only a couple still had their lights on. Gregg rang the doorbells of three houses, banging as he did so to try and attract as much attention as he could. One of the buildings he tried had almost every window illuminated in the darkness, but nobody answered at all.
   The second and third houses he tried had no signs of life whatsoever. Were they all asleep? Trying to protect themselves from getting wet or hurt?
   He then tried to find another tactic to try and get people to answer their doors.
   “Please! Please help!” He cried out.
   He was knocking on the fourth door he had come to, when he could finally hear some movement.
   “I’m coming,” Gregg heard a man’s voice grumble from the other side. He watched as several lights were turned on, before the latch was pulled back.
   A middle-aged man stared at Gregg for just a moment before reaching for the phone. When he returned he tried to motion for him to come inside but Gregg quickly refused.
   “No, no I can’t.” Gregg replied as he shook his head. “It’s my mum and dad-” he began.
   “-There’s been a crash?”
   “Yes,” Gregg cried.
   “I was wondering what that loud noise was just now,” the man replied quietly and sympathetically. He ran his hands through his receeding blonde hairline and quickly keyed the emergency number into the phone. “I warned my neighbours they needed to do something about that tree,” he continued, grumbling to himself.
   “You need to phone-”
   “I’m already doing it son, are you sure you don’t want to come in and get warm?” he replied.
   “I need to go, my dad just told me to get some help-”
   “Well I’ll make sure it’s on it’s way,” he said firmly. “I’ll be out with you in a minute or two once I know they’re on their way.”
   Gregg then nodded weakly in acknowledgement and spun around, and started to make his way towards the car once more.

-

   He saw his dad leaning out of the drivers side, and quickly limped over. The moment he was beside him, he collapsed by the open car door and knelt on the damp road.
   “Did you manage to find anyone?” Justin asked. Gregg looked at him, then to his mother who had been moved slightly and nodded. Leia was now leaning across to the drivers side, and her head was resting on Justin’s shoulder.
   As Gregg looked at her, he noticed that her eyes were closed and she wasn’t moving at all.
   “Dad, is she-” he began. Unable to finish the question though, he simply turned his attention to his father who was slowly nodding.
   “Yes,” he replied quietly.
   “Dad-”
   “Gregg it’s okay, she won’t be alone for long.”
   “Wait- what are you saying?” Gregg asked crying. “I found someone that said that he was phoning up the ambulance service now, you’re going to be okay.”
   “Gregg, please-”
   “-No dad, just no! You’re not leaving me!”
   “Do you really think that I want to?” Justin snapped. Gregg recoiled away from him slightly, unsure of what to say next, as he did he took in the extent of his fathers injuries.
   The dashboard was sitting on top of his fathers legs, pinning him down into his seat as a result. There was no way he was going to be able to get out of the car without being cut out, and the urgency was taken even further when Gregg spotted blood dripping onto the floor of the car.
   Shards of glass were covering Justin, some of the fragments had buried their way into his skin, and were shining in the light from the door being open. The ones that had broken through, had caused tiny red rivers to form. Although they weren’t flowing any longer, it was clear that the pain was more than enough to bear.
   “I am trying to hold on,” Justin weakly sighed. Gregg took a deep breath and regained his composure slightly, and he was able to kneel next to his father once more.
   His whole body ached from the bruises from the accident, and he could feel the injuries of when he had fallen starting to take their toll as well. Only one thing was on his mind though, making sure that his dad was okay.

   He braced himself mentally, telling himself that he could do this. That he would be the one to to sort this whole thing out, knowing as he did so that he wouldn’t be able too. Sighing gently Gregg then edged a little closer, and un-did the zip of his jumper. Justin watched in confusion, staying silent as they looked at each other once more.
   Gregg’s light brown hair had become much darker due to being wet, but he had moved it out of the way to see a little better. He had taken a lot of facial features from his father, including his kind and sensitive eyes, but had strangely pushed away the idea of being closer to him than his mum. Now, in this moment though, it had all changed.

   Gregg bit his lip gently and tried, in vain, to remove the glass that had covered his dad. Most of the shards were brushed off, and fell without a problem. They landed gently and quietly on his clothes and were then forgotten about. Others though, were a little more stubborn to remove. After failing to remove several of the larger ones, he tried desperately to pick them out with his fingers instead.
   “It’s okay-” Justin began.
   “-Can you stop saying it’s okay!” Gregg snapped. “It isn’t okay, none of it is. I told you about the storm,” he cried out. “I told you we should have stayed. You should have listened-”
   “-Gregg,” his dad spoke firmly but held a small quiver. Gregg took a deep breath and looked into his eyes once more, instantly feeling the full weight of the situation in front of him.
   Justin then, carefully slid Leia off his shoulder so that she was resting against the opposite car window once more, and turned to his son.
   “I need you to listen to me.”
   “I’m listening,” Gregg replied weakly.
   “I mean-”
   “Dad, there is no way that I’m leaving you right now. I’m not going anywhere, say what you need to say. You have my full and complete attention.”
   Justin smiled weakly and held his arms open, to which Gregg rushed to clamber into. He heard his dad wince in pain, and was about to back away slightly when he felt his dad squeeze him tighter.
   “It’s been a while since I gave you one of my old proper hugs hasn’t it,” Justin whispered. Gregg stayed silent, finding that he couldn’t find the words to say anything. “I need you to do something for me Gregg,” his dad continued.
   Gregg pulled away then for a moment, but didn’t fully let go. Tears were freely falling down his face, and his dad smiled gently as he wiped them away, leaving his own to continue making the neck of his t-shirt damp.
   Justin then slid something into his son’s pocket, but shook his head when Gregg began to reach for it.
   “Later,” he chuckled quietly. “I just need you to look after it for me, can you do that?”
   “Of course I can,” Gregg replied quietly.

   Justin then pulled him into a hug once more, and squeezed him gently one last time. The pain from the pressure in his legs and injuries hurt him more than he was letting on, but knew that Gregg couldn’t see that. Right now being here with his son was the most important thing to him, so he found himself ignoring the increasing level of pain he was suffering from.
   “I am so proud of you, do you know that?” Justin spoke once more, his voice breaking as more tears fell. “I was so worried that I wouldn't be a good father to you two, that I would do something wrong-”
   “-You were always my hero, dad. And nothing will ever change that,” Gregg whispered into his ear.
   Silence followed shortly after, as Justin relished and savoured each second with Gregg. He had always been the one that was more independent, preferring to sort out his own problems and do things on his own. Although it was useful, it also meant that spending time with his family missed out, especially as the tasks took longer to sort out.
   “Gregg,” Justin quietly spoke once more.
   “I’m still listening,” Gregg replied.
   “I need you to look out for your brother for me. You two need to stay together, you were always a team even from the start. Without me though, I’m really afraid of what will happen to you both.”
   “I promise,” he whispered. “I won’t let anything happen to Andi.”
   Justin gently squeezed his son once more, realising as he did so that the energy he had at the start was quickly draining. Taking a deep breath, he then whispered five more words into Gregg’s ear. Knowing as he did, that they would be his last.
   “I love you so much.”
   “I love you too,” Gregg cried back.

   Moments, that was all it took. Mere seconds after Gregg replied, Justin smiled once more and closed his eyes. He remembered the day at the hospital when he had first held them both in his arms, wondering what kind of father he would be. His mind raced through so many memories, all in short bursts. When Gregg had been ill on holiday, and when Andi had dressed up as a pirate for a school play.
   The final image that he saw, was one of Leia.
   ‘I’ll be with you soon,’ he thought smiling as he took his last breath.
« Last Edit: September 11, 2018, 04:59:46 PM by Phoenix »
 
The following users thanked this post: New Overlord

Offline Araell

Re: ~Foundation: Introduction~
« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2017, 07:12:13 PM »
FUCK!  :whaaa:

Talk about emosh  :'(

One thing I will say...or more ask...how old are the brothers supposed to be in this as I'm unsure  :shrug:
 

"The war has begun! The line between Light and Dark is beginning to blur and only time will tell which will overpower the other." Keeper Prophecy (Destiny)

"I'm beginning to wonder whether this world ever had a divine being at all or if the Gods were among us this whole time!" Omar Delaney (Writing on the Wall)
 

Offline Phoenix

Re: ~Foundation: Introduction~
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2017, 02:00:48 PM »
Um, yeah... I should have put a disclaimer at the start of that or something. (Sorry  :read:)

Gregg and Andi are both 15. Don't know why it never occurred to me to add their ages, I guess I thought it would come out as I was writing it or something.

Hard to tell if you liked it Araell, you only mentioned the emotion (which I'm glad came through, it was pretty hard to write but it's one of those little bits of information that you need to know as a reader to learn more about Gregg and what he saw that night).

Thanks for getting back to me though!  :lovedance:

Offline Phoenix

Re: ~Foundation: Introduction~
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2018, 09:27:59 AM »
I've actually, secretly, been figuring out the next part of this tale. Hoping to have something posted shortly.

Offline Phoenix

:Chapter 2: Unwelcome news. (INTRO)
« Reply #9 on: July 22, 2018, 10:08:28 PM »
   Andi awoke with a start, and ran his hands through his short brown hair. The room was cool, and was almost calming despite the heavy rain falling outside, but he could tell that something was wrong.
   He pulled his knees up to his chest, and reached for his phone. Gregg and his parents were already several hours late arriving back already, and he was starting to get really nervous.
   “How much longer are you going to be?” he mumbled aloud.
   After a few minutes sitting in silence, Andi shuffled off the pull-out bed he had been sleeping on, and left the comfort of his friend’s bedroom.

   It had been his idea to stay with Mike, whilst his own family had to go away for the weekend. Homework was strictly not-allowed to be completed though, as even though it was nearing the end of the Summer holidays, it was also their last year in secondary school.
   Instead of worrying about their upcoming exams, and studying, their aim was to relax a little and to think about where the future would take them.

-

   Andi nervously bit his lip, and started twiddling his fingers around. The hallway was lighter than Mike’s bedroom, but only because a light was illuminating the bottom half of the staircase. Outside the moon and all of the stars were shrouded in darkness, as clouds covered their natural shine.
   He made his way down the stairs quietly and slowly, wondering who else could be awake at this hour as he did so.
   The sitting room was quiet, and a cool breeze was drifting through the open door and up the stairs. Halfway down, Andi paused as he began to wonder if he should just try and go back to sleep. It certainly wasn’t the first time, that he could recall, where his imagination and paranoia had left him feeling rather silly.
   He stood, standing in the same place, for only a minute before the light was blocked. He then glanced down to the door, to see Mike’s mother, Jennifer standing in the doorway.
   “Andi, you should be sleeping,” she said in a somewhat worried tone. Although almost straight away, she ushered him inside.
-


« Last Edit: September 26, 2018, 10:27:50 AM by Phoenix »
 

Offline Phoenix

Re: ~Foundation: Introduction~
« Reply #10 on: July 22, 2018, 10:12:28 PM »
Be kind, I haven't properly written in a while and it will be going through some changes. I'm just really hoping this one doesn't fizzle out now that I've started the main story.
Please let me know what you think so far.

:NervousLaughing:

 :facepalm:

Offline Saint

Re: ~Foundation: Introduction~
« Reply #11 on: July 22, 2018, 11:18:24 PM »
I see some potential here; I really must find some sort of sitting apparatus.
 
The following users thanked this post: Phoenix

Offline Elsza

Re: ~Foundation: Introduction~
« Reply #12 on: August 27, 2018, 09:08:06 PM »
What a sad story (so far). I really like the way you show, rather then tell, us about the family dynamics, through their interactions. One thing about the scene with the dad dying. I'm not sure if he'd be quite that lucid with mortal injuries BUT I do think it's a very poignant final conversation, satisfying in that it covers all bases. I think it needs to convey the same message, but perhaps the dad's speech could be a bit more confused and slurred etc to convey that he's dying? I look forward to seeing more. Poor Andi, I hope Gregg is the one to tell him what happened.
 

Offline Phoenix

Re: ~Foundation: Introduction~
« Reply #13 on: September 11, 2018, 03:33:24 PM »
He's using all of his energy to try and hide the fact from his son, or at least that's how I imagined it anyhow. He wanted to believe that he would be okay, but after Gregg went to get help, he realised how stuck he actually was.

As for seeing more, I'm currently writing the next instalment. I have been for a little while actually but it's gone through so many pauses. I'm going to read it through before I post it up, but there's bound to be a few obvious transitions whilst I've pushed through and tried to re-work areas.
I'm staying stumpt until the next part is posted. Just got to the area where he's decided what to do so...  :shrug:. I've been sort of battling how Andi finds out myself, torn between two choices mentally.  :read:

Thanks for the feedback though Elsza! This is one of the stories I've been trying to get right for a little while, I'm really glad people are enjoying it so far.   :lovedance:
« Last Edit: September 11, 2018, 03:36:16 PM by Phoenix »
 

Offline Elsza

Re: ~Foundation: Introduction~
« Reply #14 on: September 11, 2018, 09:38:00 PM »
Yes, definitely enjoying it so far :) (Pulls up a chair :P )
 

Offline Phoenix

:Chapter two: Unwelcome news.
« Reply #15 on: September 21, 2018, 10:19:19 PM »
   Andi awoke with a start, and ran his hands through his short brown hair. The room was cool, and was almost calming despite the heavy rain falling outside, but he could tell that something was wrong.
   He pulled his knees up to his chest, and reached for his phone. Gregg and his parents were already several hours late arriving back already, and he was starting to get really nervous.
   “How much longer are you going to be?” he mumbled aloud.
   After a few minutes sitting in silence, Andi shuffled off the pull-out bed he had been sleeping on, and left the comfort of his friend’s bedroom.

   It had been his idea to stay with Mike, whilst his own family had to go away for the weekend. Homework was strictly not-allowed to be completed though, as even though it was nearing the end of the summer holidays, it was also their last year in secondary school.
   Instead of worrying about their upcoming exams, and studying, their aim was to relax a little and to think about where the future would take them.

-

   Andi nervously bit his lip, and started twiddling his fingers around. The hallway was brighter than Mike’s bedroom, but only because a light was illuminating the bottom half of the staircase. Outside the moon and all of the stars were shrouded in darkness, as clouds covered their natural shine.
   He made his way down the stairs quietly and slowly, wondering who else could be awake at this hour as he did so.
   The sitting room was quiet, and a cool breeze was drifting through the open door and up the stairs. Halfway down, Andi paused as he began to wonder if he should just try and go back to sleep. It certainly wasn’t the first time, that he could recall, where his imagination and paranoia had left him feeling rather silly.
   He stood, standing in the same place, for only a minute before the light was blocked. He then glanced down to the door, to see Mike’s mother, Jennifer standing in the doorway.
   “Andi, you should be sleeping,” she said in a somewhat worried tone. Although almost straight away, she ushered him inside the room she had just left.

{~}

   Gregg opened his eyes slowly, as he sat curled up on his fathers lap, but otherwise didn’t move any further. Several uneventful minutes followed, where he used the time to listen to what was going on around him.
   An ambulance was on it’s way, the sirens were quickly approaching which both surprised and saddened him. The roads were still a dangerous place to be after all, the accident that he had just been involved in had proved that.
   “The ambulance should be here shortly,” somebody said as they approached.
   Gregg then turned around, to see the man that he had spoken to kneeling beside the opened car door. The rain was still pounding everything it could touch, drenching everything instantly. This even included the stranger next to him, regardless of the fact he was wearing a thick coat.
   He then turned his attention to his parents, and held his breath as he leant across to his mother. Trying to brace himself for the pain didn’t work though, and he ended up reaching across wincing as he did so.
   The necklace his mother wore was a simple butterfly design, decorated with several different coloured gems that were placed inside the wings. Andi had chosen it for her birthday several years before, and had saved up enough to buy it for her.
   The only other pieces of jewellery that she always wore were her wedding and engagement rings, which were covered in flowers and a range of diamonds. Gregg removed both pieces carefully, and slid the rings on the chain along with the pendant.
   When he was finished, he then moved back to where he had been, and did the same thing with his father. His necklace and wedding ring were a simpler design, rather than delicate and detailed. They matched in colour, and shimmered in the faint light.
   Although it was cramped, Gregg finished the task relatively easily, and slowly started to remove himself from the car one last time.
   “What’s going to happen to all of our cases?” he asked tentatively.
   “I can put them inside my car?” the stranger offered.
   “I guess that would be okay,” Gregg struggled to say. “What’s your name?”
   “Mitch,” he replied.
   “Nice to meet you Mitch,” Gregg said as he stopped. Moving out of the car was far more painful than he had first thought, and the injuries that he had sustained were starting to show. “My name-” he continued moving, and took a deep breath as he stood up.
   The rest of the bruising that he had suffered seemed to catch up all at once then, and he was now able to feel the full impact of what had just happened.
   Mitch dived in front of Gregg as he fell, and watched in horror as his legs gave way. His quick actions were able to catch his chest and head before they hit the floor, but the damage Gregg had suffered was now starting to show.

   As the seconds drew on, he felt his head as it lay on something cold and hard. And he found that the dampness of the rain no longer bothered him, which both surprised and amused him. Gregg opened his eyes after a few moments, and saw that Mitch was kneeling beside him with a concerned expression on his face.
   “Where does it hurt?” he asked Gregg, slightly louder than he had intended.
   “My leg,” Gregg cried out in reply.
   He had found that now all of the distractions had disappeared, the aftermath of the collision was starting to take it’s toll. Adrenaline was wearing off, enabling him to feel the pain from all of the bruises all over his body. He immediately sat upright and cradled his right leg with his arms, burying his head as he did so.
   “What’s wrong?” Mitch asked, panic now starting to show in his voice.
   “My leg-” Gregg began. “-It feels like it’s on fire.”
   “It may be fractured, does it hurt badly anywhere else?”
   “I don’t know,” he cried. “Ugh! This isn’t fair!”
   Mitch stood up slowly and looked around cautiously, several houses that Gregg had knocked on were now showing signs of life. Many families were peering out of their windows, others had opened their doors to see what had occurred-but no one was willing to help and leave the safety of their homes.
   After a few moments of disbelief, Mitch then placed his hand on Gregg’s shoulder briefly and then rushed back to his home.

   The ambulance was getting closer with every second, even with the road blocks hindering the progress Gregg could tell it would be arriving shortly. He instead focused his attention on lifting his head slightly to see what was going on around him.
   “Are you okay?” someone asked as they approached. Their voice was different, feminine and soft, and came from direction of the first house that Gregg had approached.
   He looked up to see someone nearing, with an umbrella raised above their head. She stepped into the light, and immediately inspected the car. “Oh-oh gosh,” she stammered.
   Taking a few steps back, she then turned around and rushed over to Gregg, placing a large coat over his shoulders without another word.
   Her light brown hair had turned darker where the rain had managed to hit it, and the patches clung to her face-refusing to break away. It had been pulled back neatly in a plait, which was resting over her left shoulder as she leant down next to Gregg, as she tried her best to keep him dry.
   “Sherry,” Mitch called out as he approached once more.
   “I didn’t realise, I heard someone knocking on the door and-”
   “-Don’t.” Gregg cut in, his eyes now fixed on her own brilliant blue. “Please-just don’t. I don’t want to hear why you didn’t come out.”
   He then turned away, unable to say anything more, and instead gazed around at the many houses that were showing signs of life.
   “Why aren’t they helping?” Mitch growled quietly to himself. Sighing, he then tried to wipe the rain off his face and short brown hair, and knelt down beside Gregg once more. He was tall, towering over him with both build and height. A complete contrast to his friend opposite him, who was hesitant to bend down further in case the rain hit her even more.
   “Are the people in the car your mum and dad?” Sherry asked.
   Gregg took a deep breath and nodded. His voice had now threatened to never return, along with his strength, as he sat in the middle of the road. Torn between wanting to be taken away, and wanting to stay with his parents-unwilling to leave them with strangers.

-

   As the minutes drew on, the sirens grew even louder, until the lights could be seen in the darkness. Mitch and Sherry continued to stay beside Gregg, regardless of the fact they didn’t know his name, to offer support and keep him company.
   The only time anybody moved, was when Mitch waved to the ambulance to show them where to go, even then he returned to his previous position as soon as he was able to.
   Gregg watched as the paramedics rushed over to them, and saw as they seemed to understand what had happened. The scene in front of them was a tragic one, with the unwelcome essence of loss thick in the air.

   The two paramedics quickly assessed Gregg’s parents in the car, and tried to get them to speak. After checking their vital signs, the two of them then moved to the middle of the road where Mitch and Sherry were standing.
   Henry was the first to approach and sit down next to Gregg on the floor. A father of three, he immediately felt for the teenager beside him. He brushed his shoulder length damp hair from his eyes and called out for his partner to pass the kit that he needed.
   Sarah handed him the box over to him, motioning for Mitch to step aside so she could help. She was a mother of two herself, and had wanted to stay home with her family watching films on the television. Upon seeing the devastation in front of her, she regretted ever thinking or hoping to do such a thing.
   “Hello sweetie,” she said softly.
   The rain had eased up a little, enough so that the moonlight could be seen now that the clouds had moved on. It was now shining enough light to show the full extent of the accident that had occurred, and the sheer size of the tree that crossed the entire road.
   “What’s your name?” Henry asked.
   “Gregg,” he said pausing. “Are they really gone?” not knowing where to look, he simply gazed at the car that he had been reluctant to travel in that day.
   “I’m afraid so,” Sarah replied. “Are they your-”
   “-Parents? Yes, My mum and dad,” he said sadly. “My brother-we were supposed to be home by now. He doesn’t know what’s happened,” Gregg continued suddenly alarmed.
   “It’s okay Gregg,” Sarah tried to reassure him. “We can let him know, he can meet you at the hospital.”
   “No,” he paused once more. “No, I need to tell him about mum and dad, he can’t hear that they-” He bit his lip gently, and closed his eyes as tears spilt down his face. “He needs to hear it from family, not from a stranger.”
   Sarah and Henry both nodded in understanding, and instead tried to focus their attention on his injuries.

   After checking that the rain had completely passed, Sherry moved out of the way and collapsed her umbrella. As she did so, she noticed that other families had started to make their way over, which made the guilt that she felt grow. Why hadn’t she opened the door to the boy who clearly needed help? Was she afraid?
   She had heard the crash, and had even looked over to see what had happened. It had also only been two days since she had spoken to the house opposite, as she advised them to cut the trees to prevent accidents.
   Clearly they hadn’t heard or paid any attention to what she had warned them about though. Even as she looked back at her driveway, she could see branches and leaves invading it from the once tallest tree on the street.
   The whole situation in front of her now seemed so unreal, and she didn’t know what to do. So she simply stood on the sidelines, as she watched as Sarah and Henry ran through all the usual medical questions with Gregg.

   In each of his hands, Gregg clutched the necklace and rings that he had removed from his parents, which he carefully put on as he sat on the floor. Henry disappeared momentarily as he did so, which left Sarah wondering what Gregg was thinking. He had only answered their questions about his injuries so far, and seemed to be unable to tell them anything more.
   It was obvious that he wanted to keep the jewellery safe, and only hoped they would be kept together when Gregg’s belongings were taken as he stayed in hospital.
   “We need to get you inside the ambulance now,” Sarah said to him. “Do you think you can stand?”
   “No,” Gregg replied as he shook his head. “The pain's getting worse,” he explained.
   “I’ll go,” Henry called back. He had already stood up, and had started to make his way back to the ambulance. After a few minutes, he had started the engine up once more, and parked it again. This time making it so that it was nearer.
   He then opened the doors and brought the stretcher out to meet them.
   “Mitch?” Gregg cried out weakly.
   “I’m here,” he replied rather quickly. Within moments he had rushed over to the three of them, and patiently waited as he was moved and lying down.
   “Our suitcases, in the car-”
   “-I remember,” Mitch paused. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of them.”
   Gregg instantly relaxed and lay down properly, and watched as he was pulled inside. He had managed to compose himself, managing to hold back the tears and the fear that had threatened to escape up until that point. Now though, as the doors closed shut, the panic was starting to show.

{~}

   Andi sat beside Jennifer in front of the sitting room window as they waited; both hopeful and nervous. It was getting increasingly dark outside even though it had stopped raining, and it was making them worried.
   “I’m sure they’re okay,” Jennifer said softly.
   Andi took a deep breath, unable to say anything in reply. A sickening pit had formed, one that refused to go away. In the back of his mind, he could tell that something was seriously wrong, but what was it? And where were his family?
   Jennifer immediately sat upright as she noticed a pair of headlights nearing her home.
   “Maybe that’s them?” she offered. Andi only shook his head, noticing the police car markings as he did so.
   He sighed weakly and stared at the car as it slowed, it was definitely parking somewhere nearby.
   “Where do you think they’re going?” Jennifer asked, unable to take her eyes off the moving vehicle.
   “Hopefully not here,” Andi said struggling.
   “I doubt they would Andi,” she said pausing to look at him. He was becoming increasingly afraid with every second, and it was beginning to show. “They’re probably just making sure the roads are safe.”
   Andi took another deep breath and forced himself to look away. The unwelcome feeling in his stomach was growing wider and further, and he was now struggling to catch his breath and breathe properly.
   There was only one reason that he knew of, in which police made house calls apart from arrests, and that was to notify of a death in the family. He covered his face with his hands and took a few seconds, as he tried to recollect his thoughts and think clearly once more.
   Just then, the phone began to ring. Andi immediately had the urge to answer it, as he found he needed to to see if it was his parents explaining what was taking them so long to get home. As he was staying in someone else’s home though, he held his composure the best he could, and waited anxiously for Jennifer to answer it and return.
   To pass the time for a few moments, he instead tried to see where the police car was, only to find it had already passed the house.

-

   Andi waited silently, and found himself clutching onto a pillow as the minutes drew on. The situation he was in was so surreal to him, nothing like this had ever happened before.
   After a little while, there was slight movement and noises coming from outside the door, and he looked up expectantly with his eyes wide with hope. Only to find that it was Mike, not Jennifer who entered the room.
   “What’s going on?” Mike asked. He rubbed his eyes as he made his way inside and sat down, clearly still half asleep.
   “I’m not sure,” Andi replied. “My parents aren’t back yet, and it’s really late.”
   Mike shook his head briefly, as he tried to rid himself of being tired, and looked to Andi. He had clearly just woken up, as his light brown hair was sticking up at odd angles, and his eyelids were threatening to cover his green eyes once more.
   He also knew that this wasn’t the time to leave his friend, and so tried to stay awake the best that he could. It was certainly late after all, his bedside clock had shown that it was fast approaching three in the morning. Just how long had Andi and his mum been awake?

   Jennifer walked into the room once more, as she dreaded what was about to happen. She was visibly distraught, and avoided eye contact. Andi and Mike then looked to each other in alarm, unable to say anything or move, they simply sat and waited for news they were both sure they didn’t want to hear.
   “What’s going on?” he asked, suddenly alarmed.
   “Mum?”
   “We need to head to the hospital,” she said slowly.
   “Why? What happened?” Andi cried out. “Are mum and dad okay?”
   “I’m-” Jennifer began. “I’m not sure dear, they wouldn’t tell me anything over the phone. She just said to head down right away, so you had best get changed. I’ll drive you down as soon as we’re ready,” she continued. After a few moments of silence, she then made her way over to Andi and wrapped her arms around him. The hug though, was more for her benefit than his, she noted.
   She was shaking with anxiety, and was worried about her friends and family. The the news, whatever it was, would change their lives forever.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 01:45:20 PM by Phoenix »
 
The following users thanked this post: New Overlord

Offline Phoenix

Re: ~Foundation: Introduction~
« Reply #16 on: September 22, 2018, 12:21:48 AM »
This chapter has been gradually being written over the past few weeks or so. I had a little break after the introduction that I posted back in June, but after that it started to come together -slowly but surely-. Chapter two is finished now though, be kind~ I've read it through completely but there's still bound to be things that you'll pick up as I wrote it in pieces.
 :read1:

Offline Saint

Re: ~Foundation: Introduction~
« Reply #17 on: September 22, 2018, 11:26:53 AM »
Quote
the end of the Summer holidays

Dont know if Summer should be capitalised but I can be convinced otherwise...

Quote
The hallway was lighter than Mike’s

Not sure lighter is the right word here, maybe brighter or better lit instead?

Quote
drenching it within moments.

moments sounds much longer than you're intending here.  Try instantly.

Quote
The only other jewellery that she always wore, was her wedding and engagement rings,

The only other pieces of jewellery than she always wore were her wedding and engagement rings,

Quote
His quick actions were able to catch his his chest and head

his his?

Quote
The two paramedic’s quickly

EXTRA APOSTROPHE ALERT!

Quote
“The pains getting worse,” he explained.

It's okay, I found where the apostrophe escaped from.

Quote
and avoided eye contact as she Gregg and Mike then looked to each other in alarm,

Are you suuuuuuure about that?




Looking good and glad to see you're finally back on this after who knows how long.  Keep up the good work, and remind me to get on to Ovey about those chair emotes...

Offline Phoenix

Re: ~Foundation: Introduction~
« Reply #18 on: September 22, 2018, 11:38:37 AM »
Edits made :thumb:.
(Along with a few others that I spotted whilst reading through again...)
Thanks for the feedback, hopefully the next chapter won't take so long. :lovedance:

Offline Phoenix

[Intro] Chapter 3: Spreading the heartbreak
« Reply #19 on: February 10, 2019, 03:37:46 PM »
  • Read Later
  • Off-Topic: show
    'Warning: this topic has not been posted in for at least 120 days.
    Unless you're sure you want to reply, please consider starting a new topic.'


    Well..Crud.


    I haven't forgotten about this one! Here's the first section for you to enjoy/critique.



       Gregg lay back, and rested his head on the thin pillow behind him. He could hear words-answers escaping his lips for questions that Sarah was asking him, but the voice-his voice didn’t sound like his own.
       It was as though his body was shutting down. Defeated and broken, it was simply going through the motions to survive a little longer.
       “Gregg, we need to know where it hurts,” Sarah waited for a moment before continuing. “Is it just your leg?”
       Unwilling to break away from the ‘trance-like’ state that his mind had put him in, he nodded-lying to the two of them as he did so.
       In truth, the pain was spreading all over. His fractured left leg definitely hurt the most, but everywhere else came a close second.

       He breathed in deeply, and closed his eyes for a moment. The denial spreading through him was threatening to cloud his judgement on what had just happened entirely, ensuring that breaking the news to his brother would be not only impossible, but also a form of blessing.
       “How are you feeling?” Sarah asked. Gregg focused on her soft voice, quivering slightly with unease as they travelled to the hospital.
       For at least a short while, she was to care for him. It was her job to make him comfortable, and take away any pain that he was experiencing, and she felt privileged to be doing so.
       The problem was, she could tell that he was not being completely honest with her. His eyes had a distant look upon them, which only seemed to be getting worse.

       Gregg kept his eyes closed, as he took a few deep breaths.
       “Numb,” he replied as he thought to himself.
       No longer able to say anything further, he instead stared at the ambulance doors in front of him. And began to feebly hope that maybe, just maybe-when they opened once more, that he would discover it had all been a cruel joke.



    More coming soon...  :write1:
    « Last Edit: February 14, 2019, 04:42:20 AM by Phoenix »
     
    The following users thanked this post: New Overlord