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Fiction Park / Walkabout - Part 3 - Test
« Last post by newchinaren on December 07, 2019, 08:57:45 PM »
“So, what do you want then?” Ian asked. 

“No beating about the bush eh, Ian?” The man nodded.  “Very well.”  He glanced back at the club, which was still swarming in police.  “When I said we did that,” he waved a hand at the chaos behind him, “I was only telling you half of the story.”

“I don't get it,” Ian said.  He was having trouble focusing.  He'd been awake less than ten minutes and a lot had happening in that short time.

“It was us, but it was also... another group.”

“What?” That woke Ian up.  “What other group?  Who else could do that?”

“They were after you, we think.  We arrived about the same time as they did and the situation... got slightly out of hand.”

“I'll say,” Ian said.

“We beat them off, no pun intended,” the man continued, “but by then the cops were on the way.  So we had to... dispose of any witnesses.  Sorry about your friend.”  He didn't sound sorry. 

“Well, he'd run his course,” Ian said, distractedly.  “So, I assume I'm not screaming under torture because you would like me to do something?”

“Yes.  Well done, such a lovely boy, and so quick on the uptake.”  The man lifted Ian's chin with a smooth hand, raising his head and looking at him with a slight tilt to his own head. 

Ian went cold.

“Such a shame,” he said to himself.  “Next time maybe.”  He stroked Ian's cheek and then dropped his hand. 

“This group calls themselves 'The Red Hand,' for reasons we aren't sure of.  Probably because it sounds 'cool'.  Still.”  He took a deep breath and looked around before continuing. 

“They're still gathering their strength, which is why we think they were looking for you.”

“I'm not sure I like where this is going,” Ian said, beginning to twig.

“Of course you are.  It will be fun. An adventure.”  The man smiled his smile again.  “We don't know where the leaders of this Red Hand are, and we don't know who they know in our operation, so we would like you to infiltrate them for us.  Say you got away from us, we'll make it convincing, and get them to trust you.  I'm sure for a boy of such charm that won't be hard.”

“But I don't know where to find them!” Ian complained.

“Oh, don't worry, they'll find you I'm sure.  We'll hang back this time.  Unless you would rather the alternative?”  Smile.  “Oh, there will be a test first of course.”

“Of course,” said Ian.  “Written or oral?”

“Such a clever boy.”  The man stroked his cheek again.  “Well, let's start then.  I'm sure they're watching us.  The test is:  You will need to escape from me.”

“I see.”  Ian nodded.  This was a training scenario that he was well familiar with.

“I'm sure you do.  Such a clever boy.  Quick on the uptake for sure.  If you haven't got away before we return to where I'm staying, then we shall consider that a fail.”

“No doubt that will be fun for you,” Ian said.

“So cynical for one so young,” the man replied.  “Now, where's my car?”   

He waited until the car came between them and the multitude of emergency services and then slapped Ian around the head. 

Unexpected as it was, Ian had been trained by the same methods, and his unconscious at least, was half ready.  He deflected some of the blow and rolled with the rest of it, which had the added effect of making him look like he'd been knocked down.

He kept rolling, and so the following kick only grazed him.  Then something grabbed him and slammed him against the car, holding him steady as several more kicks didn't miss. 

“There now, that should be convincing enough,” the man said.

Ian, now gasping for breath, winced as another shape loomed over him.  The man, or possibly half gorilla, was dressed in a classic chauffeurs uniform, and loomed over him like a terminal asteroid about to strike the earth.

“Put him in the car,” said the man.

Gorilla driver grunted, and some unseen force dragged Ian off to the side, and then catapulted him into the rear of the vehicle, which turned out to be a limousine of some kind.  Ian landed on the floor.

The man climbed in after him and sat demurely on the seat.  The door closed of its own accord and then, a few seconds later, Ian felt the car begin to move.

“The journey back to where I'm staying takes about forty minutes or so, depending upon traffic,” the man said.  “I suggest you don't hold back.”


Oh oh. Trouble!  How the heck is Ian going to escape? 

Without wishing to give away any backstory, he is very capable if needs be, and who knows what, if any, other 'skills' he may have at his disposal, so be imaginative when suggesting how he's going to get away! 

All options on the table!

Role play / Re: TCDnD Lite: Episode I - The RLemlin Menace
« Last post by Saint on December 06, 2019, 12:33:46 PM »
This post reserved for character sheets.
Role play / TCDnD Lite: Episode I - The RLemlin Menace
« Last post by Saint on December 06, 2019, 12:27:09 PM »
Okay so the last one was a bit rules heavy, so I'm posting this one and simplifying it.  Here's how it's gonna go.

You make your character, anything goes.  You wanna be a powerful sorcerer? Fine.  Thrilling Noir detective? Okay, go.  Snivelling coward with literally no backstory?  You do you.  Make the character you want to make, don't worry about them fitting with the other; it's my job to make sure everyone has options at all times, so if you're a thief and everyone else is a war-wizard from the planet Krug, I'll make sure you have plenty of opportunities to be sneaky.

Each character will have two skills and two weaknesses.  You must let me know these before you start.  From there, anything goes.  You write what you want your character to do, then roll a d20.  I'll use that roll to determine how successful your action was, then move the story on, then it's anybody's turn.  Rinse and repeat.  As you post you'll level up, and each level will let you add 1 to your roll.  I'll let you know when you've posted enough to level up.
NaNoWriMo / Feedback. A little overdue.. (Long post.)
« Last post by Phoenix on December 02, 2019, 12:48:36 PM »
Day 14

“There’s been a gang of kids in hoodies hitting the shops in the neighbouring towns, just rush in, smash and grab sort of deal.  The police are aware, obviously, and investigating, but we got a tip off that we were going to be the next target.  There’s a few cops around to support our security team

We have no idea when they’re striking, where they’re going to hit, or how many of them there are. 

Something about this...seems familiar somehow. You using my real life experience here hmm?  :panic2:

Day 19

“This late?  I’m pretty sure the Botanist is long asleep by now.” 
“Or there’s a spare room across the hall from mine, I don’t think anyone would mind you crashing.”

To be honest, I find it a little strange that he arrived there, went on a job-immediately, and there wouldn't be a plan/place he could stay of sorts that would be assigned for him in favour of him just arriving and going to help them out. Even if it was a small room or something, just seems a little odd that nothing was laid out in case he wanted to stay as he didn't really have a choice of when to leave for the job. Does that makes sense?  :shrug:

Day 22

“I promise.”  I don’t know what made me say it, but I do know that I meant it.

The last part of this felt off reading, maybe change 'do' to 'did'?

“See, I told him that name was stupid.  No, the super.”

First reading, it read it as Pyrex was standing next to her, and she was aiming her speech at him. By this point, he hasn't met Pyrex yet, or knows anything about him. So 'See, I told him that name was stupid' feels strange to add here. Maybe try tweaking the speech a little?
"I told him that name was stupid, you're not the only one to think that. No, the super."
May work better?

Day 25

“Whoah,” I cried out, “Uncle, uncle!”

Why would he call that out?  :shrug:

She out more pressure on my arms,

Age, Superpower, Backstory.  We used to say ‘sob-story’, but if you can spell, you probably see why we stopped.
Age, superpower, sob-story...
Could easily be 'ASSS', with 'sob' and 'story' being two words...  :shrug:

Day 29

“Oh heyyyy Tomtom,” she hummed.  Again Ciara was startled out of the chant.  ‘Stupid girl would do anything for you I bet.  How about I leave the front door open and tell her you got out?
Tomtom rubbed against Ciara’s bare leg, his soft and warm fur enough of a distraction to let her focus directly on going back into her room to grab her dressing gown.

So, is Tomtom on the side with her mum? Or not?... Why would her mum say 'Oh, hey there!' if Tomtom was with Ciara?  :wtf:
You never say directly that Ciara opened the door by that point, only that she called out to her mum to find out what she wanted.

He waited outside in the porch,

'In' makes it seem like he's inside the flooring. 'On' works better.

and he were a suit at least two sizes too big for him that didn’t do him any favours at all.

Change 'were' to 'wore' here.

And then any disappointment she heard in the guy’s mind that he’d missed a ‘MILFbait three way,’ as he briefly called it, was dissolved as her hands slid into his trousers.

I was a little confused reading this...

So! Feedback, some great entries here Saint, there were a few niggles which I've listed above. Hopefully they help some. Definitely looking forward to reading more.

Also, voted on the poll.
Reason for my vote, the heroic scene one, I would find it hard to believe-even with all the build up that you've done, that he would attempt suicide two days in a row. It would also be hard to read with all the dark thoughts and all the emotion that goes with it, so close together in the story-if that makes sense.
I would definitely add the scene(-fight, loss of control, and attempt) later on in the story(after matching it to the scene you'd be working on at the time obviously), just not after he's arrived and only been at the institute literally a couple of hours.

You've added a lot of character development by that stage as it was, and even though it would be nice to get more, adding to much in one go (even though it would build on the story quite a bit) would mean that you're limiting yourself down the line.

I feel, personally, that he needs a little victory. A reason to stay at the institute -after having a little hiccup with not knowing who are the bad and good guys so to speak. It would give him something to reflect upon when your scenes are quiet, as he battles the good that happened with the darkness in his mind. Not so much character development there, but more of a reason to battle his demons and move on gradually. So the tone becomes ever so slightly lighter, instead of dark.
Sketch Studio / The amazing adventures of Adaline & Lightning
« Last post by Phoenix on December 01, 2019, 11:37:09 PM »
I've been putting together concept sketches for a graphical novel recently. It really isn't much at the moment, but I figured I'd share what I have if anyone is interested.
I'll try to put the pages up in page order, but when they aren't, I'll add to the contents below so they're all in order.

The amazing adventures of Adaline & Lightning

Premise-A child uses her imagination, and takes her teddy bears on 'adventures'.
-Along the way she uses the teddy bear to help others, as it morphs into objects to help her.
-She befriends new people, and learns about her strengths and weaknesses, then learns important lessons.


{Two}Lightning character summary.
{Three}Lightning mug shots.
{Four}Lightning facial features & rough detail.
{Five}Teddy bear eyes and nose options.
{Six}Lightning colour combinations -page one.
{Seven}Lightning colour combinations -page two.
{Eight}Lightning possible eye colours and detail.
{Nine}Lightning possible nose colour and detail.
{Ten}Rough history and explanation of Lightning's patches.
{Eleven}Lightning patch&repair patterns/swatches.
{Twelve}Lightning patch positioning.
NaNoWriMo / Day 30: 30 Nov
« Last post by Saint on December 01, 2019, 04:30:17 PM »
Off-Topic: show
Yet another day without my files,  but let’s get back to the story, shall we?

“So it must be tough,” I said as we left, “not having a filter for that.”

Ciara seemed taken aback by this; she stopped for a second, still holding my hand.  Her eyes were trained on the floor, and when she started moving again, it was clear that I was leading.  I moved us toward The Botanist’s abode

Off-Topic: show
I was hoping for more on the very last day of the challenge, but there's the successful completion, which as you can see by the half finished sentence it ends on, I fell asleep writing.  I'll probably keep going with writing something every day (that was the point of this exercise, after all) but I will be abandoning this thread, instead moving to the more traditional chapter format in my main thread.  Which means I have some editing to do because this topic is a few chapters ahead. Id give you my final wordcount, since it was a nano challenge of sorts, but I cant without my files.  Pretty sure it was about 15k.
NaNoWriMo / Day 29: 29 Nov
« Last post by Saint on November 30, 2019, 12:22:38 AM »
Off-Topic: show
Still haven’t retrieved the files, so here’s some character stuff that probably won’t make it in.

Slightly NSFW stuff below.  Nothing hardcore, but skip this if you're of the fainter heart.  It's canon, set about eight years before the story, but not actually part of the main story.

“Ciara, dear, can you come down here for a moment?” called a slightly slurred and shrill voice from downstairs.  Ciara rolled over in bed and pulled the covers up over her head.  Not this again.  The front door slammed, and the stairs thumped one by one as she climbed upwards.  Not these thoughts.  She did not want to hear any of these thoughts.  “Ciara!” She screamed, at the top of the stairs now.  “Wakey wakey, I need your gifts.”

The covers were gripped tightly around her.  She tried her best to squeeze her eyes shut and think of shouting.  Sometimes it masked the creeping voices she didn’t want to hear.  Sometimes.  Rarely.  The door was locked, so if she could just wait this out, it might all blow over.

“Cici, Mommy needs you to use your magic.”

Cici.  She only ever called her that when she wanted something.  It used to be a cute pet name, but as the years passed, it had become lost to sober thoughts, only ever there when alcohol was involved.  There was a slump against the door, and the handle rattled.

“Ciara Ophelia Vallin open this door; you will do what I say!” came the barked command.  Five seconds from a cutesy nickname to a made up middle name.  Ciara kept shouting inside her mind.  It was becoming a chant.  I don’t want those thoughts.  I don’t want those thoughts.  I don’t want those thoughts.

Her mother hit the door, hard and loud.

“Open up!”

The noise startled her from her chant, and before she could return to it, her mind was invaded by the thought of the man waiting downstairs for her mother.  He looked like a god had personally chiselled him out of tan stone, and had been particularly generous with the bulge.  Ciara continued the chant and tried her best not think of the image she’d just received, not in the least because from experience she knew that the guy never looked like that.

“Oh heyyyy Tomtom,” she hummed.  Again Ciara was startled out of the chant.  ‘Stupid girl would do anything for you I bet.  How about I leave the front door open and tell her you got out?

The power was both a blessing and a curse.  Ciara always knew everyone’s intentions.  There was no bluffing in your own mind.  Her mother stood outside her door demanding her attention, and Ciara now knew that any second, an ultimatum would be delivered.  Except it was genuine.  She couldn’t go back to blocking out the world now, because she couldn’t hide behind the lie that even drunk, there was no way her mother would hurt Tomtom.

“What do you want?” Ciara called out.

“Come make sure this bloke isn’t going to rob us.”  And her mind filled with thoughts of just how badly he mother wanted that man inside her, with his hands all over her body, panting in her ear and sweat dripping them and oh god Ciara wanted that to stop but her mother’s mind was consumed by it and so that all she could hear.  Tomtom rubbed against Ciara’s bare leg, his soft and warm fur enough of a distraction to let her focus directly on going back into her room to grab her dressing gown.

The gown was thick and warm, and covered up more than the t-shirt she’d been sleeping in, but as she stepped out into the corridor again, she still felt gooseflesh running along her legs.  Her mother’s thoughts remained static and disgusting, and she hoped to everything that she’d stay behind as Ciara walked down to the front door.  No such luck, and the images persisted.

Ciara could hear his thoughts through the door, they were so loud and obvious.  He was thinking of nothing but what her mother was thinking of.  He waited outside in the porch, sitting on a deckchair, and he was thinking of all the things he wanted to do when he got in.  This one was a stone cold cougar, he was thinking, and he couldn’t wait to…  Ciara almost vomited a little in her mouth.  He literally couldn’t wait, his hands were massaging…  Ugh.  How much had these two had to drink?

“He just wants what you want” Ciara spat, eager to return to bed and hopeful that having a room on the other end of the house meant she wouldn’t hear. 

“No, ashk him,” she slurred.  “About the stealing thin-”

In aid of ending this encounter as soon as possible, Ciara opened the door.  His hand shot up and he looked straight at Ciara.  She caught his glance, and he thought ‘Jackpot.’  A grin spread across his face, which looked nothing like in her mother’s delusions.  The guy couldn’t have been older than 20, and he were a suit at least two sizes too big for him that didn’t do him any favours at all.

He was fixated on Ciara’s shins, and trying to make his mind follow the legs upwards through the robe.

“You’re not going to rob us are you?” she spat out in disgust.

He barely registered the question.  His mind was on things that made Ciara feel filthy just being near him.  He stood and Ciara turned to her mother.

“Please don’t let him in.”

“Is he going to schteal from us?”

“What?  No, but mom I really don’t trust h-” and on that Ciara’s mother pushed her out onto the deck and grabbed the guy by his loose tie, dragging him in.  He reached for Ciara as he was lead in, but she snapped her arm away.

“Fuck off I’m not some whore like her,” she sniped out before she could stop herself.  In an instant, Ciara felt fury and disappointment come from the two people before her.  Her mother yanked the guy inside, and just before she shut the door, gave Ciara a glare filled with enough venom to down a bear.  ’I’ll show you, bitch.’

And then any disappointment she heard in the guy’s mind that he’d missed a ‘MILFbait three way,’ as he briefly called it, was dissolved as her hands slid into his trousers.  Ciara ran as far away as quickly as she could, desperate to get away from the disgusting thoughts that those two had wrapped around themselves.

She walked through the cold, every step hurting as pavement stones dug into he soles of her feet.  With no idea where she was walking except for away from home, and the dim streetlights with the occasional flicker hanging overhead, she made it as far as the end of her road before she crouched down and started sobbing.

“Now, now,” cooed a reassuring voice from around the corner.  “A superhero shouldn’t be at burden from their powers like that.”  Ciara looked towards the source of the voice, and saw a man walking towards her, holding out his coat.  Her immediate reaction was to pull away, but his thoughts were calming.  He knew she’d be here.  He was waiting for her, and he was feeling genuine remorse for her.  He’d hoped Blaine’s predictions were wrong, even though they never were.  Whoever this man was, he was ready to help her, and sad that he had to.  She took the coat, but didn’t look at his face.  These thoughts he was thinking were warming, and she didn’t want to know how he was trying to present himself, because this empathy she felt was what she needed right now.

“Thank you, sir.  Can I ask your name?”

“My name is Thunderhand, and I have a proposition for you.”
NaNoWriMo / Day 28: 28 Nov
« Last post by Saint on November 29, 2019, 09:21:53 PM »
Off-Topic: show
Laptop died and I don’t have the energy at 11PM to fight it to get my files back just yet, so for now, here’s a scene from much later.

: Possible Ending • show
Snow drifted down ever so lazily over the institute, as if unsure it should even land.  We hadn’t had snow in December in these parts for years, but there it was as I woke, much to my surprise.  I walked over and stuck my hand out of the window to let a flake land on my palm.  It chilled me, and melted instantly.  I couldn’t help but think ‘If I’d jumped,  I’d have never experienced this,’  Maybe Ciara had a point this whole time.  Maybe something every day was enough.  Even something as small as a snowflake on my palm.

It was the first time in longer than I could remember that I’d woken up with these thoughts.  Hopeful thoughts.

Maybe it did get better.
NaNoWriMo / Day 27: 27 Nov
« Last post by Saint on November 27, 2019, 11:12:23 PM »
She looked good in it.

I saw her blush slightly as she heard that thought.

“Shall we go and talk to The Botanist?” I asked, looking to distract from everything that was unfurling around me.  I’d never been amazing socially, and meeting three new people in one day while accidentally mentally flirting with another I’d met just the day before was beginning to cloud my senses.  Ciara obviously picked up on that, because she took my hand and led me towards the door.
NaNoWriMo / Day 26: 26 Nov
« Last post by Saint on November 27, 2019, 11:11:39 PM »
After a few moments, I learned that the explosion came from the toaster.  Apparently it wasn’t working fast enough for Pyrex, and it came as a surprise to him (but no-one else) that magical flame and electronics don’t mix well.

“Things are always a little hectic around here.  In this house especially,” Void Jumper said to me, as she shot Pyrex a scathing look.

“Fine fine I’ll buy a new one,” he groaned. 

“Get a four-slice,” said a voice from the door that Maxine had run out of, as the shy brunette catgirl came slinking back in.  “Maybe it’ll work quicker.”  She saw that I was still sanding there and avoided my gaze, something I seemed to be getting a lot of lately.

“Oh, I avoid everyone’s gaze,” said Ciara from behind me.  “and Maxy takes a while to get used to you.  You shouldn’t be so offended.”

“I thought you were going to stop doing that,” I scolded.  I turned to see her standing in the doorway I’d come in through.  She’d done her hair up this morning, so that it was curled and waved around her chest, and wore another summer dress, this one with a red flowery pattern climbing up one side.
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